When I was a child and into my teens I kept a journal, more like 10 journals because I kept losing them. I was pretty sporadic in my writings. I always wanted to be the girl that wrote in her journal nightly and one day her grand-kids would read about her journeys with Jesus, but I was not disciplined enough for that schedule… not much has changed in the decades since.
I often wrote when sorrow or pain was at the forefront of my heart.
They were not about my journeys with Jesus but instead my sufferings with selfishness.
I have looked back on some of my journal entries over the years and my heart breaks for the words I would pen on those pretty pink journals. They were beautiful on the outside but the inside was full of confusion and brokenness. Such a picture of the person I was for so long; who I can become if I do not abide in Christ
When the young man I had a crush on watched me have a bladder spasm in the parking lot at Liberty University, I believed I was not normal enough to be loved.
When a stranger asked in mocking laughter “if I was the center for my high school basketball team?” I believed that I was not tall enough to be accepted.
When I was passed over for a date because I was disabled I believed I was not pretty enough to be wanted.
When I was not picked to lead a small group I believed I was not smart enough to be used by God.
When I was overcome by anxious feelings I believed I was not faithful enough to impact others for the gospel.
When the dreams I believed for so long came to a crashing halt I believed that I was not good enough to get good things.
Majority of my entries carried the same words or same subjects. I was not enough. I was not normal enough, tall enough, pretty enough, smart enough, faithful enough or just plain not good enough.
I. Was. Not. Enough.
I was right. I am not enough and never will be. What a lie the enemy perpetuates in our hearts that we believe we can be enough. It becomes a ladder we are unable to ever reach the top, desperately comparing, lacking, and engrossed in selfish thoughts. If I can just be less disabled, taller, more beautiful, smarter, and a better person than I can reach the pinnacle I have desperately tried to reach my whole life.
Then maybe God will love me.
Then maybe man will love me.
Then maybe God can use me.
Then maybe, just maybe I will be enough.
As I began to see the errors of my entries and how they were all about me and not about God, I was overwhelmed. My whole life had been this endless, meaningless chasing after “enoughness”.
Enoughness comes only in Christ, the One that is more than enough for me; the one that takes my lack, my weakness, my brokenness, my ugliness, my sorrow, my faithlessness, and my shame.
“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” – 1 Corinthians 1:26-31
By worldly standards, I was broken in birth, not noble, foolish in many man’s eyes, weak, low and despised by random strangers, I often felt like nothing. BUT God was going to take my lack, weakness, brokenness, ugliness, sorrow, faithlessness and shame.
My lack crucified in Christ would become His abundance.
My weakness crucified in Christ would become His strength.
My BROKENNESS crucified in Christ would become His wholeness.
My ugliness crucified in Christ would become His beauty.
My sorrow crucified in Christ would become His joy.
My faithlessness crucified in Christ would become His faithfulness.
My shame crucified in Christ would become His honor.
He made me small enough for the purpose He has for me. My journal entries look quite different these days. I am thankful I can’t find the journal entries of the past.
For my God has moved me from not enough to small enough.