I can't pretend with God. He knows me best and He doesn't let me run. I had put a smile on my face all afternoon but the moment I got in my car the tears flowed. They wouldn't stop. My heart was shattered and my strength was gone. The Lord was nudging me to go. To take a long drive, so I did. I drove to my new favorite spot at Watauga Lake. I parked my car, I walked on to the dock and curled myself up into the fetal position and begged God to speak to me. Begged. In a desperate plea. I felt the wood planks pierce into my side as the sobs wracked my body. I heard the waves crash around me as I screamed out to Him. In broken sobs I whispered, "sometimes this is just too hard. It's too much." The pit of despair had enclosed around me. I said things I'm not proud of, things I would rather not share with you but that's not how God wired me. He wired me to share. Oh how I wish He would have wired me differently.
I sat up and looked out at His creation with tears streaming and I cried out in utter honest pain. "Sometimes I want earthly things more. More than the eternal. I want marriage, children and to never dread summer and opened toed shoes. I want to walk on this dock in a bathing suit and be confident. I want to look like her. I want earthly things. God, why won't You give me earthly things. They are blessings from You." Shame filled my heart. So much shame. I'm a speaker of His word. A believer that pain has purpose. A confessor that I wouldn't want another story. Yet, there I sat envious of the lives and the bodies of others. Sometimes I want earthly things more. My spirit rebels against it but the despair was taking me deeper. Deeper to a place that told me I deserved earthly things and that I had been dealt a rotten blow with this crooked face and broken body. Deeper to the place that told me that God wasn't good. His plans for me aren't good. My life... it isn't good. I opened His word and didn't have the strength to turn the page so I looked down as tears dropped on Psalm 73. I looked up at the sky and said "speak to me here in this place on this page" and this is what I read....
I have no wisdom or fancy words to offer, friends. Yet, what I do know is that at 7:24pm on May 28, 2017 my feet were slipping into a selfish place of despair but my God met me in the pit. He kept my feet from slipping and reminded me that my affliction is but a brief moment and carries an eternal weight of glory. I have friends walking in the path of eternal destruction. Their afflictions will never end on the other side of glory and I want earthly things more? The place where the fire never ends and the worm never dies and I want earthly things more? The place where there is gnashing of teeth and unending suffering and I want earthly things more? When I entered into the sanctuary of my God and understood their destiny I felt a deep sickness over my selfishness. My embittered wounded soul was shattered at my stupidity and no longer my station in life. Here on earth I will never rejoice at the face I see or the feet that slip into my sandals but who cares?! People are dying and going to hell separated from the love of Jesus and I'm too busy weeping over earthly things. God, forgive me!
I am so thankful that in my selfish state He meets with me. He reminds me that "I am always with You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me up in glory." Oh God, I want to enter glory knowing that every facet of my life was not spent weeping over what I did not have, but what I gave for the gospel. I want to enter glory with a flood of women behind me. Women that met you through my brokenness.
One day soon it will all pass away... all my earthly treasures will end and I will know fully when I enter the gates of glory and sing worthy is the Lamb that "Who do I have in heaven but You?" God, until glory may "I desire nothing on earth but You." Yet, I know there will be days when "My flesh and my heart may fail." Be the "strength of my heart,my portion forever." For "Your presence is my good." There is nothing as good as the presence of my God and there is nothing that satisfies like His portion.
In my pain and suffering He is "my refuge" and I get to tell about all He does. Like the nights that He meets with me and pulls me out of the pit and back into the battle. Friends, may we no longer desire earthly things more. Because one day those we love will wake from a dream and wonder why we never shared with them the nightmare that was coming... for we were too busy wanting a dream that ends.
He's BIG and I'm little,