These past several Monday’s I have stared at my computer screen with a cursor blinking back at me. I have prayed over and over again for the Lord to give me the words to write, for Him to reveal Himself to me and pour out His words on paper. I have desired to be consistent in my writing, it is even written in pen on my calendar, “BLOG DAY”. I have to do it. Yet, Monday’s have passed after hours of staring at my screen and praying. I have scratched it off my calendar in defeat. I was determined that this Monday would not be the same. Yet, the day was coming to a close and my mind was completely blank. Everyone else is writing such beautiful words… much better than I could ever write. So there I sat, blank screen and blank brain. To make matters worse, now I’m just rambling.
But Lord… I am trying. I am weary. I am failing. Can’t you see all the things I am trying to do for you? Why aren’t the words coming? All of these questions rolled around in my mind last week and I realized how utterly sinful they were.
How can I write the words God desires if my time with Him is spent working for Him not listening and loving Him? Have you ever felt that you are doing 100 things and none of them well? Your schedule and your heart are overwhelmed? Or is that just me? When I am not seeking the Father fully my modus operandi can be to serve to feel accepted. To be seen to feel valued. To be heard to know I have a voice. I can seek love from others to find my identity. I am left feeling empty and messy.
I have sat down in my time with the Lord and found myself planning the next Bible study or next event. All the while, He is calling me to Himself, just me with no motives and no plan. Just to be with Him and hear from Him because He is life to my weary heart. Can you relate? In your attempt to be the best mother, the best co-worker, the greatest friend or the sweetest servant you have forgotten the reason we serve. We serve because it is a natural overflow of the work Christ is doing IN US. Somewhere in serving you and I set aside the Savior and found our identity in self. Of all the things Beth Moore said this weekend the greatest piece of advice given, the one thing worth my flight to Texas was “intimacy with Jesus must not just be the last thing to go, it must not go at all. You cannot use your personal time with Jesus as a planning session for ministry.” She shared how her time with the Lord was sacred and required self- discipline. My heart was cut to the quick. It seems so silly because I know this to be true but my actions of late have spoken a different truth.
I want to love and serve Jesus with every single fiber of my being. I desire to fully serve Him as an overflow of His love for me, not because I want Him to love me or I want others to pat me on the back. I desire to do all things well for the glory of God. That is my desire but is that my reality? Those are two very different things.
Yesterday morning, I sat with four of the women who are pursuing Jesus and we dug into the scriptures. I watched as each of them shared what the Lord was teaching them and I could have wept, I didn’t because that would have totally creeped them out. Even though by now they should be used to that. One of the girls brought up Mark 1:35 “Rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he (Jesus) departed and went out to a desolate place and there he prayed.” In the midst of His ministry Christ stepped away and into the presence of the Lord… alone to pray and to seek his Father. The work of God did not sustain the man of God. Only time with his Father would restore Jesus. Only time with the Father will restore us. Our personal time is for sacred, friends. It is for us to fill our cups to overflowing. It is for us to seek the Father's face and find our identity in Him. It is to pour our weary selves into His word and find our rest in Him. To be convicted, challenged, encouraged and confess. Whether your ministry is a mother to toddlers, a 9-5 administrative position, a teacher, or a church staff member we all need to depart to the desolate place and pray. If we do not do this well, I can promise you, we will do nothing else well. In the silence and seeking we will know Him and love Him. We will be equipped for the serving. May our hearts not be to do more for God, but instead to desire more of God (I think that is a quote by someone… can’t remember). The doing flows from the digging into His word and the deepening of our time with Him. He loves us and He wants us to not just serve Him but to know and love Him.