Eight days of torture. Eight days of crazy girl running the show. Eight days of analyzing every message. Eight days of stalking his profile. Eight days of feeling rejected, confused, frustrated, and crazy. You cried. You were sad that you sat your heart on that which is not from the Lord and pushed all your hopes and dreams into a casual conversation that never left a computer. Christmas came and went, crazy girl was coming back for visits fewer than she had been. You had the post Christmas blues. Yet, it wasn’t about Christmas being over but the life you had so quickly planned not being in God’s plan. You knew that even if he struck up a conversation again, in your mind it was over. The Lord had made that super clear to you.
You just weren’t expecting your phone to ding later that night as you prepared for an ugly Christmas sweater party. You were finishing your eye shadow and looking into a face you wished you could fix. Somehow when a boy seems to drop you, the thought that it has something to do with you sticks in your mind. You know better, Bets. Your identity had become wrapped up in him. He had asked a simple question and needed a simple answer. He wanted to know where to find something you had written or shared about during your days being angry with God or wondering what God’s plan was for you. He found the article he was looking for and said he would read it from time to time and he was thankful for the inspiration. Y’all talked about nothing off and on for the next few hours and then it ended. It ended for good and you knew it this time.
As you closed your eyes that night you didn’t check your phone 97 more times because you knew some other time would never come. You knew better than to become Crazy Girl and plan your life. Yet, it happened and where do you go from here? Well, you have learned that knowing better and doing better is a battle of wills. You knew crazy was residing in your heart and you knew Christ was speaking louder. Yet, you gave in to crazy. It’s not hard to do; it’s actually one of the easiest in the life of a woman. As you look back on that time you have learned so much. You know His grace when you know better and yet choose crazy over Christ. You know His consistent love when life is inconsistent. You are stronger, more grounded, and yes less crazy. You know several things that you didn’t understand before. Your time of singleness is a gift. It is beautiful and worth embracing.
You do wish people could see you as more than just a story and they do. Not long after this a pastor looked down at you and said “Betsy, you are more than your story.” Like water to dry land. Those words poured over you. How sweet a Savior that speaks to you in the most broken of places. You have learned over these past few weeks from Christmas to Valentines that some will come into your life and only want the story. Don’t withhold it. Share the hope that Christ has given you and don’t be mad about it, but don’t give them your heart. They didn’t come for that and it’s not yours to give them anyway. You are bought with a price, Bets. A high price; you can’t give yourself away. Crazy girl, this is a season, a beautiful tough season. Embrace Christ, not the craziness. Embrace the Author of the story and don’t shun the story. Live this season to the fullest and don’t plan the next. You may not believe this, but you will miss the hallmark movies, the pizza slices, and the single sibling house. You don’t know where the story goes from here but you know the one that writes it and He is always good; even when you are crazy!
I look back now as I am almost halfway through my 29th year of life and I rejoice that the Lord saw fit to write the story differently. I see His greatness in withholding that which seemed good. Sweet ladies, may we wait for the great in every area of our lives. Oh, my tendency right now is to run ahead. Specifically in Small Enough. I want to make things happen. I want control. I want movement. We must wait for His voice. Wait for His guidance. He is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. The lamp only shows the next step. May we never run ahead of the one that leads us. Believe me it only makes you crazy! :)
He's BIG and I'm little,