My hair was curled and my eyes were heavy. I had just spent a full day traveling and was ready to be home. I am the poster person for delayed flights. Without fail I will be on a flight that is delayed almost every single trip home. I love to travel and enjoy flying yet when it’s time to get home I am ready. Finally, after an hour and half delay and a two-hour flight we arrived in Charlotte. I struck up a conversation with a guy around my age as we both walked towards baggage claim. He was telling me he had just been visiting his girlfriend and I was telling him about my opportunity to share the goodness of the Lord with a group of students at the Kanakuk Institute. As we began walking towards baggage claim I felt my bladder constrict and I knew in that moment there was nothing I could do. I fought tears as he looked back to say something and I prayed he would not notice the urine running down my legs. We stood and waited for our bags. There was nowhere for me to hide. No place to cover my urine soaked dress. I was standing there exposed to everyone around me, not hearing a single word this guy was saying. Time dragged slowly and it felt like the bags were never going to come. I could see the sign for the bathroom but it was much too far and I had no clothes to change into without my bag. I was stuck. Stuck in my mess. Stuck in my shame. Do you ever feel stuck?
Sometimes I feel stuck. Sometimes I don’t want Sacralagenesis. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t mine to bear. Sometimes I just want to be the girl that has casual conversations in an airport without urine running down her legs. Sometimes I don’t want to have to change my clothes in an airport bathroom. Sometimes I don’t want to be Small Enough. Sometimes I don’t want this life.
As I stood in the airport I felt the crushing weight of pity begin to fall on me. I felt sorry for myself and angry at the life I have. I want a different life, Lord. Please!!! Yet, just that morning I was claiming with complete and utter honesty that I was thankful for Sacralagenesis. How in just a little over 12 hours was I weeping in the bathroom stall frustrated at the thought of walking through another day in this body? How? Because God is not finished healing the brokenness inside my heart. There is more to be done, more sin and flesh to be removed.
Dear friends, I am not sure why in that moment the Lord allowed my bladder to constrict. I am not sure why my plane was delayed creating the perfect timing of that spasm. I am not sure why my carry on bag had to be checked and I had to walk to baggage claim instead of directly to my car. I am not sure why I was walking with someone I had never met nor will ever see again, providing no time for me to look for a restroom. Yet, I am sure that the Lord used that moment to teach me that there is still more healing that needs to be done. There are still more wounds in me that quickly break open when the pain is at the forefront. There are still moments when I can’t see the purpose in the pain, even though it is there.
The dress can be washed but the shame and pity is not as easy to handle. The reality that I so quickly leave my first love to fall into a place of pity is eye opening for me. God has so much work to do in my heart and life, friends. He has began a heart surgery on me I was not prepared for but one that is desperately needed. I have been studying the book of 1st Peter and a few weeks ago our Bible study discussed 1st Peter 1:3-7.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”
I want genuine faith. Faith that is steadfast in the days when Sacralgenesis is hard and when it is a gift. I want genuine faith when the life I would not have chosen is the very life that is best for me. I want faith that will result in the praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus. I do not want the faith that loves the story but can’t find the Lord in the daily. I want faith that when tested is revealed as genuine, steady, true, and honoring to the Lord. Please pray for this faith in me. Please pray for the Lord to heal what is broken in my heart. Please pray for my eyes to be fixed on the inheritance that is to come, not the tent that is groaning. Please pray for the Lord to be BIG in my smallness. Please pray for Him to continually reveal Himself in the pain of an everyday life in a broken body.
Job 23:10 “But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.”
Try me Father so that I may come out as gold. Reveal my faith Lord. I want to live a genuine life for the glory of God.
He’s BIG and I’m little,